Wedding thoughts

It’s been a while since I have last posted on here. I guess I’m out of things to say. I have a lot going through my mind. I have had our wedding on my mind lately. There are so many things to be done. So many decision to make.We are going to Jamaica next year to have our wedding at couples resort, couples swept away.

http://www.couples.com/index.html.

This place so awesome! It’s an all inclusive resort. They have these little bungalow. Some of them have hammocks some have nice little porches. What I really like about this place is there is NO kids! Couples only! Plus the wedding comes with the stay. There are some up grades you can get but most of it comes with your stay there! That means more money spent on other things. After our wedding, then we are going back home and having a big party with friends and family. This is where most of the decisions are going to come into play. Thankfully, Master’s sister and cousin is helping us with that planning. Plus with us being thousand miles away it’s hard to get the things done that we will need to do. Thinking about all this just makes me want to make lists of To Do and things to remember. I don’t want to be one of those brides that waits until the last minute to do things.

I am a very simple kind of girl. I don’t need the princess dress and the crown. I don’t need a huge expensive sit down dinner party. I am more of your back yard, pot luck, with a band kind of girl. But this is the going to be the best day of our lives and I would like to make it the best. Most of the wedding is basically planned when you get there. I mean I will need to decided if I want to just take music or have a band there, and the pic package, and the day and time of the wedding. The planner at the resort does most of the rest.

The reception back home is going to the hardest I think. Our families live about 2hrs away from each other. I would like to have some thing in the middle for both families. I don’t want to invite all of the family. I don’t need it to be huge. I think I will need a place that is by a hotel or in a hotel. I had been doing some research. Wow, didn’t know that most of the cost of everything is the food.

( I know, I know… Master says don’t worry about the cost). I have seen a lot of brides get in trouble and going way over board and ending up with a 100,00 wedding.

Any way….

I do have an idea of what I would like. I want a room where we can do a little sand ceremony with the kids. Then party. I’m going to have my sister and who ever Master picks as his best man to stand up with us and it will be pretty short. Then the party is on. Food and drinks and music and a good time. I want the room to kinda have the theme of Jamaica. Since that is where we are going to get married at. I want to have the Asian lanterns hanging from the celling to give the nice romantic look. For food I was thinking not to have a dinner. Maybe like a buffet, or just appetizers nothing fancy. Then drinks. We could have it a little later than dinner say start at like 7pm. I was thinking we would buy the beer and wine and any other drinks would be a cash bar or some thing a long that lines. I would like to have those big vase on the table with fish in them. I really don’t want to many flowers. I really think they are unnecessary. Colors I really am not sure of yet. Who knows to be honest.

You think I would want to get a start on this since it’s about a year away. The day will come faster than what I think. We have the date, the time, and the place. Now its all the details.

AM I OR AM I NOT?

This past two weeks have been really strange for me. With me not being Master’s slave any more I feel like I’m lost in what our relationship is about. There are times when I feel like it’s the same as it was. When Master calls for me I come a running to see what he needs. I still follow his lead. Master still tells me what I need to do and what I don’t need to do. I don’t do any protocols, or service him, witch saddens me. I still long for Master to nod his head when we sit down to eat. Or to oder for me when we are out. I sit there and wait and I look at him, hoping he will nod, but he doesn’t. Then while we are eating I’m all sad. I still want to get his water when he gets home from work. I feel like I’m not me when I don’t get to do those things. Even vanilla couples get each other’s drinks for them right? I guess I’m just very unclear on what to expect. If I try to do things I used to for him, he asked me not to. But yet there are other times when he still acts like he is still my Master.

I do miss the playing that we did. The spankings, the paddle, the cane, the handcuffs, the gag. I miss that a lot. I also miss the feeling I get when Master and I played with that stuff or just each other. I miss the feeling of being submissive. Even thou I believe I’m still very submissive, I miss the feeling I get when Master has me on my knees looking up into his eyes. At times I like it the way it is. Then at times I want to be back to being his slave. I miss my collar back on my neck. I always liked it when people look at my collar. I would always think in my head ” Yes, I belong to Master, and I wouldn’t change it for anything”. Well.. we will see how this all goes.

NO LONGER A SLAVE

It’s been a minute since I last posted. I haven’t really felt like posting, or I didn’t know what to say. Last week, Master decided to cut my collar off. I am no longer his slave. I’m really not sure on how to feel about it. I know that I fucked up and have to deal with the consequences. I’m trying to deal with that. At first, I thought I would be o k with it. Now I just don’t know how I feel. I do know that no matter what I will always want to be his wife, lover, friend. That will never change no matter what our dynamic is in our relationship. I have been Master’s submissive/slave for almost 3 yrs now. I really believed this is how our lives should be together. I thought I would be able to do everything that Master wanted. I thought I would be able to make Master happy as a slave. The hardest part for me is knowing that I have disappointed Master and myself. I just feel this is another part of my life where I have failed.

All this week I have been doing that same routine that I did as a slave. Except when Master comes home. I still want to do the things I did for him, when I was his slave. But then he will ask me “What are you doing?”, or say “Don’t do that”. Well, I have been doing this for him since we have lived together, it’s really hard not to do it. I enjoyed it. It feels weird not doing those things for him any more. I feel like I’m at a loss. I just don’t know what to do with my self. Should I still try to do things for him, or just forget them all?

On Sunday, Master had made me the best Mother’s day dinner. He asked me what I wanted. I told him shrimp, and chicken wing dings, baked potato. So Master had made shrimp cocktail, bbq wing digs, and twice baked potatoes. Humm, they were good. Master is the best cook. Any way, as his slave when we sit down to eat together, I am to wait for him to nod his head to tell me to start eating. So we all sat down on Sunday to eat dinner. Out of habit, I waited for Master to sit down and nod his head. He sits down and says”M eat your dinner”. Then I remembered, I’m not his slave, I don’t have to do that. But the thing is that I didn’t like it at all. I wanted Master to nod his head like he always did. After that I just felt odd. Like I was waiting for him to nod his head even after I started eating. I knew he wouldn’t but, I just wanted him to.

One thing I worry about is, would Master still want me now? I mean yes he would say something to me if he didn’t want to be with me any more. I just wonder how this is effecting him.

Thoughts

“What the hell did I get myself into”. Not the relationship. But the dynamic. It is not that we don’t take the dynamic seriously. We do. But during those times, because we are going in circles and just can’t seem to break it fast enough that those thoughts occur. I don’t know if others in this lifestyle have had these thoughts, but we have. They are fleeting and are not something we dwell on, but hey.. sometimes a vanilla relationship just sounds… easier. No protocol, no training, no punishments. I’m not saying that vanilla marriages do not take work, but add on top of that “work”, the dynamic and holy shit you’ve just doubled it. At least in my mind. Not only do you have to “work” on the base relationship, but also on the lifestyle.

But its worth it. Now, and forgive me for repeating myself as I’m sure I’ve said this before, if it came down to the fact that somehow the lifestyle was hurting the relationship. I would give it up in a heartbeat. Our relationship is more important. Master has said it and I know I’ve read it in other blogs.. at first the lifestyle sounds like all sex and perfection. Well, its not. Hate to burst anyone’s bubble but its just not. As with all things that are worth having, it takes work on both ends. Not just His and not just mine. It is a combined effort. He is constantly trying to reform me into what He wants and having to keep on top of myself, and I am constantly trying to keep up and be what He wants me to be.

I am not perfect. Not by a fucking long shot. And no, neither is my Master. We are both prone to bad moods, stress, pain, grumpiness, and just plain bad days. I am not a robot or a doormat, and that is not what Master is looking for. Thankfully.

I am not the perfect slave, and as much as I would like to be… I seriously doubt I will ever be. Stress gets to me, I ache, I get pissy, I get bitchy, I get lazy, I get moody, I get emotional, I get to playful, I get tired, I get hyper.. the list continues.

If I were perfect I would never fail Him. I would never disappoint Him. I would not be forgetful. I would not let my bad days show through. I would never be sad or stressed out. I would make His world perfect for Him and be able to fix absolutely everything. And by Gods I wish I could. I wish I could make everything perfect. I would make it so we would never have to worry about money ever again, or ever worry about pain or illness. Nothing and no one would ever be able to hurt Him, physically or mentally. I would be able to whisk all His stress and anxiety away by one simple touch or gesture. Sometimes, it almost feels like I do have that “power” or ability. Just by giving Him a hug or holding Him it feels like I am able to melt all the rest of the world out of His mind for that moment. Like, just because I am there He is able to let it all go and flow into me (or me into Him) and be whole and content for that time. Other times, not so much.

And one thing that gets to me sometimes, is when He says things that make me think that He is taking everything on His shoulders, alone. Like we aren’t in this together. And I’m sure He doesn’t mean it that way. We aren’t equal, but we are in this together. I am not His equal. But I am His partner. His mate. But because He is the Man of the house, the head of the household, the Husband, the Master.. He does take it all on His shoulders. And I am the same damn way, I am the slave..I should be able to fix this for Him.. as a part of my service to Him. But I try not to talk like that, like I am the only one responcible or the only one going through what affects us both. And when He does it cuts a little. Again, like I said before, I honestly don’t think He means it in that way. It is just how it comes across at times. Mainly during the times where we are both in bad moods and so I am more sensitive to what He says and how He is saying it. I’m normally sensitive to such things, but add to that the fact that we’ve just not been getting along that day.. and well it magnifies it. I wonder somethings

Ever happen to you?

Sad Day

Really don’t feel like blogging. Don’t want to talk about it! Maybe tomorrow.

Master playing hooky

Work was much better today.  Every thing went smooth.

When I got home today Master was at home, He was playing hooky.  He usually gets home about 6:30pm.  I was surprised that he would be home.  It was funny, when I walked into the bed room he was all sprawled out on the bed naked.  Oh so how I wanted to just jump on him.  I thought about it, but then decided it wouldn’t be best.  I think I would have scared him.  When he stays home I get a little jealous that he is able to do that.  He is salaried so, he is able to take days off.  I on the other hand, am paid hourly and not any where as much as Master does.  So I don’t get to play hooky.  I would love to one day take a day off work with Master and just hang out at the house with no kids and walk around naked and fuck all day.  Then again it that wouldn’t be relaxing but it would be fun.

Master was in a very playful mood today.  I think he likes messing with me just to see my reaction.  Later I found out that he was trying to teach me to control my self.  When he pinches or grabs me playfully, I tend to poke and pinch back.  What is funny about it, is when Master plays with me like that he gets all worked up.  It turns him on.  I would have to say some times it does me too.  But when I’m trying to control my self, I don’t get so turned on.  Then I just want a break from him for a minute to cool down.  Any way that was the night.  Not much more going on.

Crazy Day

Work today was crazy. It did start out smooth. These people in the new house are so needy. Then of course they have to bitch about something. Most of the time it’s just about, this is not enough or too little, or can I have more and more more coffee. Then there is the one that, if there were a fire in her room it would go up in smoke. She steels any type of paper, toilet paper, napkins, paper towel. She just stashes them in her room. Then comes out to the lunch table and says “Honey, there isn’t enough napkins on the table”. Which is funny because there is a pile of them in front of her place at the table and one under her fork.
Any way…. The last few hours of the day is the busiest part of the day. Just trying to make sure all the paper work is done. Kitchen is clean and so on. Of course it seems like every day it’s getting later and later that I am able to get out of work. Today, As I’m getting ready to go and getting my things around.
I hear a LOUD YELL” HELP”. I go in the back of the house. Right out side the door of the house is one of our residents. Face first on the cement. Blood is everywhere. It’s coming from her head. So I yell at the other girl that is there. Now she is very young and she comes out and is freaking out. Saying Oh my God. I tell her to go and get as many towels as she can. Then call 911. So we get the towels on her head, I tell her not to move. She is trying to get up off the ground. Now this lady is on blood thinners, witch means it will be very hard to stop the bleeding and it comes out very fast. We soaked about 4-6 towels. Then I look at her and she started to faint. After her eyes went in the back in her head, she started turning blue. I checked to see if she was breathing and she was not. So luckily I knew CPR. So I started doing that for what seems forever. Then finally the EMS came and took over. Of course that was very disturbing for me. I have never had to do that before in my life. And was hoping that I wouldn’t have to. That made the rest of my day late. Getting home, getting my child from school and then of course after I get home I have to bust my ass to get every thing done on time.

I have a schedule that Master has me follow when I get home. Plus the chores that need to be done. I get some anxiety when things don’t go right. Plus when Master gets home I really want every thing to be just the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t like it when he comes home and has to yell at me or the kids because something that was supposed to be done is not. I want Master to be able to come home and be able to relax. I guess when I had to drive him to work that day when his car was broke down. It really made me realize what a long drive that is. And I didn’t have to drive in the 5 ‘o clock traffic.
My daily Schedule:

3:30 Call Master and let him know I made it at home
3:33 Open Living room shades
3:35 Is C home, if not where is she?
3:40 Check Floors for debris
3:45 Remove all my clothes from the floor
4:00 Start Dinner
5:00 Eat Dinner
5:30 Check floors
5:45 Turn off front porch light
5:45 Is P home, if not where is he?
6:00 Check floors
6:05 Resize or throw out any left overs
6:10 Inspect House for any broken items
6:15 Is there a Pen in Master’s box
6:20 Check front Door is shut
6:30 Do Exercise in D S for an hour
6:45 chec front Door
8:00 C in bed and bed room door shut
8:30 P in bed and bed room door shut
8:45 Need water in fish tank – set out water jugs
9:00 Check front porch light

And that’s it!!! Most of the time I can do it with out looking at my paper where this is written out. But I do look at it, just to make sure I get every thing done. Then the rest of the night is relax and write in my blog. I am really liking writing in my blog. Well that is a Tuesday. I hope I stay out of trouble for awhile. That is my goal.
Night

Poker

This weekend was good. Master took me out to go and play poker Saturday. The first place we went to, they get a lot pf people there. A good mix of people. Nice little bar. We play Texas hold’em. Basically it’s a tournament. It’s free to play. You get there and they give you a certain amount of chips. There will be any where from 5-9 people at a table. At this place they usually have about 6 full tables. You play just like they do on TV. You keep playing until there is only one person left.

Master and I had met a couple here in Dallas and they introduced us to it. We didn’t know that you could play for free. Some times they have prizes. Like $50 bar tab and so on. I once won first place and won a football signed by a famous play of the Cowboys. I had never really played it before Master took me. I liked it. I grew up playing cards. Then Master started play quite a bit. I really started to get into it. Plus I love to go any where with Master. I wouldn’t care if he took me to the public bathroom. I always want to be around him. Any way. When we first started going. I did pretty good. Then I started to learn more and try more things. I became a little more bold, a little more fearless. Then he took me up to the casino. Man what a mess. I was so nervous, I was shaking. Now we are playing with real money. It’s another whole another ball game. We needless to say I lost money, a lot more than Master did. He on the other hand is a better player than I am. I thought I was a good player until we went there.

So Any way Saturday went to play at this bar. At first I wasn’t getting any cards to say that I had good hands. Then I started getting some pretty good hands. I started winning some. I was looking good in my chip stack. Then I see Master went out. When he goes out I usually ask him if he is ready to go. Then if he says yes then I will basically start throwing away my chips. He will wait for a few minutes. Then we will go. This time, he stood there for a minute watch me throw a bunch of chips in, but this guy went all in, and if I was to go all in and win, Master would have been pissed. So I didn’t because I had about the best hand. I would have had trip 10′s. Lucky I didn’t go all in, because the guy that did had trip 9′s. Then I saw Master walk out to his car. So, I got up and told the guy who runs the poker to just split up all my chips I had to go. I was too late, Master had already started to leave. So here I am running down the parking lot, trying to catch him. Hoping he saw me. I see him turn a little bit, and so I yell his name. He comes back and picks me up. I wonder would he have left me there? We end up going to this other bar. Then I knew why he was ready to go, so we could catch this other poker game. I didn’t do shit the whole night. I think the best hand I got all night was a pair on 9′s. Well then Master took me out to eat and then he came home. I was a little tired. Master did very well at the second bar. I was out for awhile. Master did ask me if I was ready to and I said when ever you are ready. I ended up waiting awhile, but I was able to watch Master play. Maybe I could learn from him. It was a nice night out with Master.

Sunday I had to work, noon – 6pm. I really didn’t want to go in. But ended up being a good thing. Well for one, I got over time, plus $50. I was able to get a lot of paper work done that needed to. Also, I was able to finally meet the women that works the weekend shift. Any way that was my weekend!

Personality Test

Slave kitten had this on her blog. I thought It was really cool. I wanted to see what mine would be.  Here it is:

Your results:
You are Riddler

Riddler 57% The Joker 57% Mystique 55% Dark Phoenix 53% Lex Luthor 52% Catwoman 51% Dr. Doom 47% Poison Ivy 46% Venom 45% Magneto 44% Kingpin 42% Apocalypse 41% Juggernaut 35% Two-Face 35% Mr. Freeze 22% Green Goblin 19%

Riddle me that, riddle me this, who is obsessed with having a battle of wits??