Is it me??

Are there times when you feel a sense of bitterness or anger over the way it is living your life as a slave? Is there a part of you that screams for freedom? Is there a part of you that wants to be able to freely express yourself without consequence? Is there a part of you that longs to rebel in the life you have chosen as a slave? My next question to you would be…if a part of you screams for freedom, how do you know this part isn’t who you really are? Why do you choose to remain a slave?

i very often feel that my life is a battle between who i really am and want to be, and the person i ‘ve been conditioned to see as “good” and “successful” by the society i’ve grown up in.

i once, years ago, read some writing by a slave but i can’t remember who. She said that”sometimes, when she resists, it would be easy to see her and her Master as being on opposite sides of a battle, when in reality they’re fighting on the same side.” i identify strongly with this and what’s more, sometimes it’s not just the people looking in from the outside who mistake my fight as one against my master; sometimes it’s me, in my own head.

Sometimes the part of me that’s in the driver’s seat in my head is the part that’s been taught being independent and “strong” is the only worthwhile way to be, and being treated as an equal is the only way to be loved and respected.

i need my master’s help with that. That’s what His enslavement of me is.

How do i know the part of me that needs and loves slavery is the “real me”? Because when i haven’t been controlled and owned, i’ve been half alive. Because when my Master lets up on the leash for a while, I feel lonely, angry, lost and depressed. Because no matter how much i think He’s out of His mind to believe that tightening that leash will make me feel better, it always does, always. i know it because it will become ridiculously obvious once i learn to observe my own behaviors on a long term basis instead of in the short term (something i want my Master to also helping me to do).

Oh, yes. Often i think about how great it would be to be able to inform my Master i’ m going out, and then make the decision of what i would do, how much money i would spend and what i would spend it on. Or to be able to set conditions on the chores i do around the house or just to tell him he can get his own damn water, He has two perfectly good hands. You betcha. i’ve learned, though, for me, that kind of thing is grass-is-greener syndrome.

Insecurity

Do you ever feel like you just are not good enough to be a slave for your Master? Do you ever feel like you are not doing the best job? Yes me too. Just because one is a dedicated and honorable slave does not mean that one never has doubts. My life prior to becoming Master’s slave was a very difficult one and i often have feelings of insecurity. i trust Him completely, but my mind remembers the poor treatment of my past and i struggle with overcoming this constantly. i remember being emotionally hurt over and over again and accepting it because i did not think i was worth anything. Now i know that i can find complete happiness and acceptance with a Master who will always love me.

Insecurity is natural and a part of any life, whether vanilla or M/s and it is not easily overcome. In times of trouble, when i am feeling low or having doubts , or i just generally have a feeling of inadequacy, i look to my Master for guidance and support. Usually i am held by Him and comforted and then our relationship is reinforced. By the time He is finished, i feel wonderful, loved and worthwhile. These are the things he showed me, that i am valuable and a prized possession and i deserve to be cared for. i trust that we have broke through the bonds of my past. i find it miraculous and i am so thankful that the Man who values me and cares for me is the man who has control over my life . Some one told me once:

“Trust your Master and be honest with Him about your insecurities. He can only help you if you tell Him something is wrong. He will do what He feels is necessary to help you overcome them. Do not be ashamed of these feelings. They are natural, but can be overcome with help. You do not have to go-it-alone.”

Little Reminders

Do you ever get that feeling, like you are loosing your focus? Do you get that feeling that you have forgot why you are a slave? Well…..

I thought I would post today some reminders that I read once in awhile. They give good advise when you are feeling like you are not being the best slave you can be. For me I need to read things like these to keep me focused. I love my Master and he does a great job on keeping me focused. I feel it would be responsible for me to seek out other ways for me to get focused. Some times a good beat down works but others a good long talk with Master works too.

When Times Get Tough Don’t Get Selfish

I will be the first submissive to admit this. I am selfish about my needs. I am selfish about Master’s time and attention. When I do not get it I can become not so pleasant to be around. I forget that I am here to fulfill HIS needs and that mine will be met as a result of fulfilling his needs. I am sure your question might be, “if I am always fulfilling the dominant’ s needs how can mine be met”? I’ve asked that same question and you are in luck today because I have the answer.

“We have taken our time and have chosen the right dominant to serve. By that I mean we have chosen One we feel will best fulfill our needs. So if we have done that it stands to reason that if we keep the dominant’ s needs met and he/she is happy, we will reap the benefits of a satisfied dominant. I have found this to hold true through trial and error. If Master is not getting enough rest, if his mind is preoccupied by the amount of mail piling up, if his physical needs are not being met, I can guarantee that my life reflects the chaos in his. The stress on the relationship begins to build. I might act out to get more attention and I am sure you can imagine just how well THAT goes over. I lose sight of what the true problem is and begin to harbor insecurity and doubt. “Does he not want me anymore? Do I not make him happy? What is wrong with me”?”

“Relax. It is common for submissive’ s to panic and blame themselves but you must not lose focus of your role in this relationship. Once balance is returned to the dominants life balance will be returned to yours.”

“Be Patient.I do know how difficult that can be but you must make the sacrifice and concentrate on what will better serve the relationship in the long run. If the dominant is suffering from a great amount of stress it is not going to make life any better to have you added as yet another problem. This is not the time to be high maintenance. This is the time to prove yourself to be a valuable and indispensable asset. You CAN do it.”

“Find other outlets to relieve your stress over the situation other than placing your fear and insecurity in the dominant’ s lap. Exercise, read books, clean the house, talk to friends. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself calm.”

“Create a serene and safe atmosphere for the dominant to voice concerns and share problems. You will only be able to help if you have all the facts. You need to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Let your dominant know through your words and actions that he/she has nothing less than your full support and that you have his/her needs in mind.”

 

“Focus upon the task at hand and always do your best. Your best IS good enough. IF and when the Dominant points out an error, do not see it as a mistake but as an opportunity to learn. It is His job to teach you and yours to learn. Do not become defensive. This will get you nowhere as it means your mind is closed and the opportunity to grow will be lost. Do not list off excuses. Be strong enough to say, “I did my best. This is the result. How can I do it better? Please show/tell me. I wish to learn.”

“N – name the specific behavior that you find causes you to feel jealous

A – announce the specific setting … time & place the behavior occurred

M – mention your reaction & the feeling it arouses in you

E – explain and own your feelings

 

 

“The Slaves Prayer….

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fanthom…

Allow me the spirit to know his needs

Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts

Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace..

Allow me the love to show Him in peace…

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him…

Allow me the light to show us the way…

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him…

Let me be able to show Him each day my love by my service to Him…

Let me open myself up to completely belong to him…

Let my eyes show Him each day my love by my service to Him…

Let me open myself up to completely belong to him…

Let my eyes show Him the same respect, rather I sit at his side, or kneel at his feet…

Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman…

Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself…

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely…

Give me the strength to please us both…

Permitt me to love myself, in loving Him..

Allow me the peace of serving Him.

For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make his life complete, as he makes mine.”

Some of these are from the web site Submissive Loving

 

Fantasies

We all have fantasies don’t we. I have so many I just don’t know what to do with my thoughts. I think women have more of them, than men. What do you think? Women they dream of those romantic nights with their loved one. They dream of the times when their man will just give them flowers for no reason. Women dream of making love like the movies. But we all know that it doesn’t happen like the movies. We hope that they would kiss us soft and slowly, but we get the tongue down the throat, or they have the hardest lips on the earth. Women want it to last all night, well… that doesn’t happen. Nether the less we love it no matter how it is or comes to us. So what do you do with all those fantasies? I guess I’m going to write them here.

As a slave that doesn’t get to be a stay at home slave,(plus we have kids) I would love to be able to have Master come home from work and me be all sexy and naked with thigh highs on, on my knees waiting for his instruction. I would love to see what he would do with me then. I would like to be in a maids outfit and cook him dinner, serve him wine, then dinner and me dessert. I love to role play, well maybe I shouldn’t say that. I really haven’t ever role played to much before. I would like to go to the bar, and Master go with his friends, and then act like we don’t know each other and see if we could pick each other up. And of course we would end up in the bar bathroom fucking like crazy. That sounds like fun. I once read a post some where, where this guy took his slave to a bar and told her she couldn’t come back to him until she made him some money. She came back to him at the end of the night with like $500. She was a good slave. That would be interesting. I think you would have to go to the right bar for that. But it could be done though. To have Master make you do some thing that would never do, that would be so out of control. But you know you want to make your Master proud so you would do it. I know I love to bring my Master money.

I wonder some times what would break me. Would I need to get spanked until my ass bleeds, or Master humiliating me. I’m not really sure, but I’m willing to find out. I always say I will try anything once. But If Master tells me to do it again I would in a heart beat.

Limits

As I have grown as a submissive and a slave I have thought about my limits. People talk about hard limits and soft limits. What are they really? When you are in a D/s relationship you learn every day what your limits are, or do you have limits at all. I believe when you trust your Master that you shouldn’t have limits. Your Master owns your heart, body, soul, and mind. When I first became my Master’s slave I thought that I would have limits of things that I would not want to do or like at all, but as we have grown, I have learned that I would do anything for my Master. I would sell myself for him, if that is what he wanted. I will do anything to please him. When I think about what I thought my limits would be and what they really are they are so different. When Master and I start to push my limits I want to do more and more. I think about things that I want my Master to do to me or with me. I have all these things in my mind roaming around that some times I start to get wet when I think about how it would feel to trust my Master to do these things to me or with me. There have been times when I have shared them with him and we have tried doing them, and they are so great. I think the more we get into this relationship the more I want to push both of our limits. There are things that I thought I would never do with anyone, but with Master I know that I would trust him and love it. It feels good to trust my Master that much. When I gave Master all of me, I really gave him the trust, and love, and control to do what he wishes with me, and that is what I needed in my life.

Some of the things that go through my mind when we are doing a scene or when we are have sex, shit or even when I think about how far we can push our limits. I would love for my Master to tie me up with my legs spread, and do what ever he wants to do with my pussy, and my body. I would love for him to see what he could put in my pussy. Just for him to shove what ever he feels like into my pussy. I would like to see how much of a wine bottle I could put in me. I know that Master fists me and I love that. I want to be able to see it and watch it and see just how much he can put inside me. I would love to see him use my body for a table or plate. I would love for my Master to use my body to eat off. That would be really hot.

Wow, do I have so much going through my mind its hard to write it all down, in a way you all could understand. I would love for my Master to take me some where blindfolded, where there are going to be a lot of people. He would walk me in on a leash, and I would be like a present to the other people. I would be freshly shaved, and he would take me in the bathroom and dress me in some thing sexy. He would give me a douche and enema to get me ready for anything. I would be oiled down. Then he would give me a big kiss and tell me to be a good girl and do what he tells me to do and I would get an award when he is done with me. Master takes me into the other room where the other people are waiting for me. Master would have me crawl on the floor and kneel right next to his feet. I still would be blindfolded. Then he would take me to who ever he wanted and have me do what ever he wanted. I could not contest anything that Master wants me to do. I can not talk, the only sound I could make is to moan. I can not ask questions. Master would tell the other people what to do with me. I would be totally under Masters control. Which I am always anyway. Then the rest is your imagination. OOOWEE, I’m all wet.

When Master and I get going in the bed room, I get so excited. I love making love to my Master. He is the best lover I have ever had in my life. When we get things so heated up it can really get out of control. I love that. I guess I like my love making a little rough. But When we are into it, I just think in my mind I want more, more, more. Things that go through my mind are things like just take me. Use me like the little slut I am. I have never thought that I would want a man to do the things I want Master to do. When we are making love I would love for him to call me all kinds of names. I want to bite me so hard that It breaks the skin. I love the way he grabs my back and digs in my back. Omg. It just makes me cum all over the place. When he is fucking me from behind I always think to my self, Oh Master stick some thing in my ass. I would love to have the feeling of something fucking my ass and something fucking my pussy at the same time.

When Master spanks me, at first I think to my self ” you can get through this, relax and you will like it”. Then after a while, I want more. I am such a little greedy bitch. I would love for Master to take clothes pins and put them all over my pussy and nipples. Then play with them and toucher me with them. Maybe make me play with them and play with my self but tell me I can’t cum. With them pitching my skin then make me crawl to him and beg for more. I never used to like to beg for anything, but now it’s still hard for me, but I love begging for Master. With those still pinned to me, take the cane to me. I would love to try the cane and whips more. Paddles I want more of too. I really want to see how far I can do with that. I want my ass to be so sore I can’t sit down for awhile. I want my back to in pain from the whips. Wow, Am I really saying all this??? I want to get my nipples pierced and have Master hang things from my nipples. Get my hood pierced then we could hang a chain from my nipples to my pussy. That would be fun.

Any those are only a few of the things that I want to do to push our limits. Now that I’m all wet I need to ask Master If I can play with my self. Ha ha.