“What the hell did I get myself into”. Not the relationship. But the dynamic. It is not that we don’t take the dynamic seriously. We do. But during those times, because we are going in circles and just can’t seem to break it fast enough that those thoughts occur. I don’t know if others in this lifestyle have had these thoughts, but we have. They are fleeting and are not something we dwell on, but hey.. sometimes a vanilla relationship just sounds… easier. No protocol, no training, no punishments. I’m not saying that vanilla marriages do not take work, but add on top of that “work”, the dynamic and holy shit you’ve just doubled it. At least in my mind. Not only do you have to “work” on the base relationship, but also on the lifestyle.
But its worth it. Now, and forgive me for repeating myself as I’m sure I’ve said this before, if it came down to the fact that somehow the lifestyle was hurting the relationship. I would give it up in a heartbeat. Our relationship is more important. Master has said it and I know I’ve read it in other blogs.. at first the lifestyle sounds like all sex and perfection. Well, its not. Hate to burst anyone’s bubble but its just not. As with all things that are worth having, it takes work on both ends. Not just His and not just mine. It is a combined effort. He is constantly trying to reform me into what He wants and having to keep on top of myself, and I am constantly trying to keep up and be what He wants me to be.
I am not perfect. Not by a fucking long shot. And no, neither is my Master. We are both prone to bad moods, stress, pain, grumpiness, and just plain bad days. I am not a robot or a doormat, and that is not what Master is looking for. Thankfully.
I am not the perfect slave, and as much as I would like to be… I seriously doubt I will ever be. Stress gets to me, I ache, I get pissy, I get bitchy, I get lazy, I get moody, I get emotional, I get to playful, I get tired, I get hyper.. the list continues.
If I were perfect I would never fail Him. I would never disappoint Him. I would not be forgetful. I would not let my bad days show through. I would never be sad or stressed out. I would make His world perfect for Him and be able to fix absolutely everything. And by Gods I wish I could. I wish I could make everything perfect. I would make it so we would never have to worry about money ever again, or ever worry about pain or illness. Nothing and no one would ever be able to hurt Him, physically or mentally. I would be able to whisk all His stress and anxiety away by one simple touch or gesture. Sometimes, it almost feels like I do have that “power” or ability. Just by giving Him a hug or holding Him it feels like I am able to melt all the rest of the world out of His mind for that moment. Like, just because I am there He is able to let it all go and flow into me (or me into Him) and be whole and content for that time. Other times, not so much.
And one thing that gets to me sometimes, is when He says things that make me think that He is taking everything on His shoulders, alone. Like we aren’t in this together. And I’m sure He doesn’t mean it that way. We aren’t equal, but we are in this together. I am not His equal. But I am His partner. His mate. But because He is the Man of the house, the head of the household, the Husband, the Master.. He does take it all on His shoulders. And I am the same damn way, I am the slave..I should be able to fix this for Him.. as a part of my service to Him. But I try not to talk like that, like I am the only one responcible or the only one going through what affects us both. And when He does it cuts a little. Again, like I said before, I honestly don’t think He means it in that way. It is just how it comes across at times. Mainly during the times where we are both in bad moods and so I am more sensitive to what He says and how He is saying it. I’m normally sensitive to such things, but add to that the fact that we’ve just not been getting along that day.. and well it magnifies it. I wonder somethings
