It’s been a minute since I last posted. I haven’t really felt like posting, or I didn’t know what to say. Last week, Master decided to cut my collar off. I am no longer his slave. I’m really not sure on how to feel about it. I know that I fucked up and have to deal with the consequences. I’m trying to deal with that. At first, I thought I would be o k with it. Now I just don’t know how I feel. I do know that no matter what I will always want to be his wife, lover, friend. That will never change no matter what our dynamic is in our relationship. I have been Master’s submissive/slave for almost 3 yrs now. I really believed this is how our lives should be together. I thought I would be able to do everything that Master wanted. I thought I would be able to make Master happy as a slave. The hardest part for me is knowing that I have disappointed Master and myself. I just feel this is another part of my life where I have failed.
All this week I have been doing that same routine that I did as a slave. Except when Master comes home. I still want to do the things I did for him, when I was his slave. But then he will ask me “What are you doing?”, or say “Don’t do that”. Well, I have been doing this for him since we have lived together, it’s really hard not to do it. I enjoyed it. It feels weird not doing those things for him any more. I feel like I’m at a loss. I just don’t know what to do with my self. Should I still try to do things for him, or just forget them all?
On Sunday, Master had made me the best Mother’s day dinner. He asked me what I wanted. I told him shrimp, and chicken wing dings, baked potato. So Master had made shrimp cocktail, bbq wing digs, and twice baked potatoes. Humm, they were good. Master is the best cook. Any way, as his slave when we sit down to eat together, I am to wait for him to nod his head to tell me to start eating. So we all sat down on Sunday to eat dinner. Out of habit, I waited for Master to sit down and nod his head. He sits down and says”M eat your dinner”. Then I remembered, I’m not his slave, I don’t have to do that. But the thing is that I didn’t like it at all. I wanted Master to nod his head like he always did. After that I just felt odd. Like I was waiting for him to nod his head even after I started eating. I knew he wouldn’t but, I just wanted him to.
One thing I worry about is, would Master still want me now? I mean yes he would say something to me if he didn’t want to be with me any more. I just wonder how this is effecting him.
