This past two weeks have been really strange for me. With me not being Master’s slave any more I feel like I’m lost in what our relationship is about. There are times when I feel like it’s the same as it was. When Master calls for me I come a running to see what he needs. I still follow his lead. Master still tells me what I need to do and what I don’t need to do. I don’t do any protocols, or service him, witch saddens me. I still long for Master to nod his head when we sit down to eat. Or to oder for me when we are out. I sit there and wait and I look at him, hoping he will nod, but he doesn’t. Then while we are eating I’m all sad. I still want to get his water when he gets home from work. I feel like I’m not me when I don’t get to do those things. Even vanilla couples get each other’s drinks for them right? I guess I’m just very unclear on what to expect. If I try to do things I used to for him, he asked me not to. But yet there are other times when he still acts like he is still my Master.
I do miss the playing that we did. The spankings, the paddle, the cane, the handcuffs, the gag. I miss that a lot. I also miss the feeling I get when Master and I played with that stuff or just each other. I miss the feeling of being submissive. Even thou I believe I’m still very submissive, I miss the feeling I get when Master has me on my knees looking up into his eyes. At times I like it the way it is. Then at times I want to be back to being his slave. I miss my collar back on my neck. I always liked it when people look at my collar. I would always think in my head ” Yes, I belong to Master, and I wouldn’t change it for anything”. Well.. we will see how this all goes.
