AM I OR AM I NOT?

This past two weeks have been really strange for me. With me not being Master’s slave any more I feel like I’m lost in what our relationship is about. There are times when I feel like it’s the same as it was. When Master calls for me I come a running to see what he needs. I still follow his lead. Master still tells me what I need to do and what I don’t need to do. I don’t do any protocols, or service him, witch saddens me. I still long for Master to nod his head when we sit down to eat. Or to oder for me when we are out. I sit there and wait and I look at him, hoping he will nod, but he doesn’t. Then while we are eating I’m all sad. I still want to get his water when he gets home from work. I feel like I’m not me when I don’t get to do those things. Even vanilla couples get each other’s drinks for them right? I guess I’m just very unclear on what to expect. If I try to do things I used to for him, he asked me not to. But yet there are other times when he still acts like he is still my Master.

I do miss the playing that we did. The spankings, the paddle, the cane, the handcuffs, the gag. I miss that a lot. I also miss the feeling I get when Master and I played with that stuff or just each other. I miss the feeling of being submissive. Even thou I believe I’m still very submissive, I miss the feeling I get when Master has me on my knees looking up into his eyes. At times I like it the way it is. Then at times I want to be back to being his slave. I miss my collar back on my neck. I always liked it when people look at my collar. I would always think in my head ” Yes, I belong to Master, and I wouldn’t change it for anything”. Well.. we will see how this all goes.

NO LONGER A SLAVE

It’s been a minute since I last posted. I haven’t really felt like posting, or I didn’t know what to say. Last week, Master decided to cut my collar off. I am no longer his slave. I’m really not sure on how to feel about it. I know that I fucked up and have to deal with the consequences. I’m trying to deal with that. At first, I thought I would be o k with it. Now I just don’t know how I feel. I do know that no matter what I will always want to be his wife, lover, friend. That will never change no matter what our dynamic is in our relationship. I have been Master’s submissive/slave for almost 3 yrs now. I really believed this is how our lives should be together. I thought I would be able to do everything that Master wanted. I thought I would be able to make Master happy as a slave. The hardest part for me is knowing that I have disappointed Master and myself. I just feel this is another part of my life where I have failed.

All this week I have been doing that same routine that I did as a slave. Except when Master comes home. I still want to do the things I did for him, when I was his slave. But then he will ask me “What are you doing?”, or say “Don’t do that”. Well, I have been doing this for him since we have lived together, it’s really hard not to do it. I enjoyed it. It feels weird not doing those things for him any more. I feel like I’m at a loss. I just don’t know what to do with my self. Should I still try to do things for him, or just forget them all?

On Sunday, Master had made me the best Mother’s day dinner. He asked me what I wanted. I told him shrimp, and chicken wing dings, baked potato. So Master had made shrimp cocktail, bbq wing digs, and twice baked potatoes. Humm, they were good. Master is the best cook. Any way, as his slave when we sit down to eat together, I am to wait for him to nod his head to tell me to start eating. So we all sat down on Sunday to eat dinner. Out of habit, I waited for Master to sit down and nod his head. He sits down and says”M eat your dinner”. Then I remembered, I’m not his slave, I don’t have to do that. But the thing is that I didn’t like it at all. I wanted Master to nod his head like he always did. After that I just felt odd. Like I was waiting for him to nod his head even after I started eating. I knew he wouldn’t but, I just wanted him to.

One thing I worry about is, would Master still want me now? I mean yes he would say something to me if he didn’t want to be with me any more. I just wonder how this is effecting him.

Thoughts

“What the hell did I get myself into”. Not the relationship. But the dynamic. It is not that we don’t take the dynamic seriously. We do. But during those times, because we are going in circles and just can’t seem to break it fast enough that those thoughts occur. I don’t know if others in this lifestyle have had these thoughts, but we have. They are fleeting and are not something we dwell on, but hey.. sometimes a vanilla relationship just sounds… easier. No protocol, no training, no punishments. I’m not saying that vanilla marriages do not take work, but add on top of that “work”, the dynamic and holy shit you’ve just doubled it. At least in my mind. Not only do you have to “work” on the base relationship, but also on the lifestyle.

But its worth it. Now, and forgive me for repeating myself as I’m sure I’ve said this before, if it came down to the fact that somehow the lifestyle was hurting the relationship. I would give it up in a heartbeat. Our relationship is more important. Master has said it and I know I’ve read it in other blogs.. at first the lifestyle sounds like all sex and perfection. Well, its not. Hate to burst anyone’s bubble but its just not. As with all things that are worth having, it takes work on both ends. Not just His and not just mine. It is a combined effort. He is constantly trying to reform me into what He wants and having to keep on top of myself, and I am constantly trying to keep up and be what He wants me to be.

I am not perfect. Not by a fucking long shot. And no, neither is my Master. We are both prone to bad moods, stress, pain, grumpiness, and just plain bad days. I am not a robot or a doormat, and that is not what Master is looking for. Thankfully.

I am not the perfect slave, and as much as I would like to be… I seriously doubt I will ever be. Stress gets to me, I ache, I get pissy, I get bitchy, I get lazy, I get moody, I get emotional, I get to playful, I get tired, I get hyper.. the list continues.

If I were perfect I would never fail Him. I would never disappoint Him. I would not be forgetful. I would not let my bad days show through. I would never be sad or stressed out. I would make His world perfect for Him and be able to fix absolutely everything. And by Gods I wish I could. I wish I could make everything perfect. I would make it so we would never have to worry about money ever again, or ever worry about pain or illness. Nothing and no one would ever be able to hurt Him, physically or mentally. I would be able to whisk all His stress and anxiety away by one simple touch or gesture. Sometimes, it almost feels like I do have that “power” or ability. Just by giving Him a hug or holding Him it feels like I am able to melt all the rest of the world out of His mind for that moment. Like, just because I am there He is able to let it all go and flow into me (or me into Him) and be whole and content for that time. Other times, not so much.

And one thing that gets to me sometimes, is when He says things that make me think that He is taking everything on His shoulders, alone. Like we aren’t in this together. And I’m sure He doesn’t mean it that way. We aren’t equal, but we are in this together. I am not His equal. But I am His partner. His mate. But because He is the Man of the house, the head of the household, the Husband, the Master.. He does take it all on His shoulders. And I am the same damn way, I am the slave..I should be able to fix this for Him.. as a part of my service to Him. But I try not to talk like that, like I am the only one responcible or the only one going through what affects us both. And when He does it cuts a little. Again, like I said before, I honestly don’t think He means it in that way. It is just how it comes across at times. Mainly during the times where we are both in bad moods and so I am more sensitive to what He says and how He is saying it. I’m normally sensitive to such things, but add to that the fact that we’ve just not been getting along that day.. and well it magnifies it. I wonder somethings

Ever happen to you?

Sad Day

Really don’t feel like blogging. Don’t want to talk about it! Maybe tomorrow.

Master playing hooky

Work was much better today.  Every thing went smooth.

When I got home today Master was at home, He was playing hooky.  He usually gets home about 6:30pm.  I was surprised that he would be home.  It was funny, when I walked into the bed room he was all sprawled out on the bed naked.  Oh so how I wanted to just jump on him.  I thought about it, but then decided it wouldn’t be best.  I think I would have scared him.  When he stays home I get a little jealous that he is able to do that.  He is salaried so, he is able to take days off.  I on the other hand, am paid hourly and not any where as much as Master does.  So I don’t get to play hooky.  I would love to one day take a day off work with Master and just hang out at the house with no kids and walk around naked and fuck all day.  Then again it that wouldn’t be relaxing but it would be fun.

Master was in a very playful mood today.  I think he likes messing with me just to see my reaction.  Later I found out that he was trying to teach me to control my self.  When he pinches or grabs me playfully, I tend to poke and pinch back.  What is funny about it, is when Master plays with me like that he gets all worked up.  It turns him on.  I would have to say some times it does me too.  But when I’m trying to control my self, I don’t get so turned on.  Then I just want a break from him for a minute to cool down.  Any way that was the night.  Not much more going on.

Poker

This weekend was good. Master took me out to go and play poker Saturday. The first place we went to, they get a lot pf people there. A good mix of people. Nice little bar. We play Texas hold’em. Basically it’s a tournament. It’s free to play. You get there and they give you a certain amount of chips. There will be any where from 5-9 people at a table. At this place they usually have about 6 full tables. You play just like they do on TV. You keep playing until there is only one person left.

Master and I had met a couple here in Dallas and they introduced us to it. We didn’t know that you could play for free. Some times they have prizes. Like $50 bar tab and so on. I once won first place and won a football signed by a famous play of the Cowboys. I had never really played it before Master took me. I liked it. I grew up playing cards. Then Master started play quite a bit. I really started to get into it. Plus I love to go any where with Master. I wouldn’t care if he took me to the public bathroom. I always want to be around him. Any way. When we first started going. I did pretty good. Then I started to learn more and try more things. I became a little more bold, a little more fearless. Then he took me up to the casino. Man what a mess. I was so nervous, I was shaking. Now we are playing with real money. It’s another whole another ball game. We needless to say I lost money, a lot more than Master did. He on the other hand is a better player than I am. I thought I was a good player until we went there.

So Any way Saturday went to play at this bar. At first I wasn’t getting any cards to say that I had good hands. Then I started getting some pretty good hands. I started winning some. I was looking good in my chip stack. Then I see Master went out. When he goes out I usually ask him if he is ready to go. Then if he says yes then I will basically start throwing away my chips. He will wait for a few minutes. Then we will go. This time, he stood there for a minute watch me throw a bunch of chips in, but this guy went all in, and if I was to go all in and win, Master would have been pissed. So I didn’t because I had about the best hand. I would have had trip 10’s. Lucky I didn’t go all in, because the guy that did had trip 9’s. Then I saw Master walk out to his car. So, I got up and told the guy who runs the poker to just split up all my chips I had to go. I was too late, Master had already started to leave. So here I am running down the parking lot, trying to catch him. Hoping he saw me. I see him turn a little bit, and so I yell his name. He comes back and picks me up. I wonder would he have left me there? We end up going to this other bar. Then I knew why he was ready to go, so we could catch this other poker game. I didn’t do shit the whole night. I think the best hand I got all night was a pair on 9’s. Well then Master took me out to eat and then he came home. I was a little tired. Master did very well at the second bar. I was out for awhile. Master did ask me if I was ready to and I said when ever you are ready. I ended up waiting awhile, but I was able to watch Master play. Maybe I could learn from him. It was a nice night out with Master.

Sunday I had to work, noon – 6pm. I really didn’t want to go in. But ended up being a good thing. Well for one, I got over time, plus $50. I was able to get a lot of paper work done that needed to. Also, I was able to finally meet the women that works the weekend shift. Any way that was my weekend!

Personality Test

Slave kitten had this on her blog. I thought It was really cool. I wanted to see what mine would be.  Here it is:

Your results:
You are Riddler

Riddler 57% The Joker 57% Mystique 55% Dark Phoenix 53% Lex Luthor 52% Catwoman 51% Dr. Doom 47% Poison Ivy 46% Venom 45% Magneto 44% Kingpin 42% Apocalypse 41% Juggernaut 35% Two-Face 35% Mr. Freeze 22% Green Goblin 19%

Riddle me that, riddle me this, who is obsessed with having a battle of wits??

New Rules

Today I’m off Master’s shit list. I feel so much better. I hate being on his shit list. I’m the type of person that I want to fix things right away. And sometimes that can’t happen. Master sat me down the other day and talked to me. He has decided to give me new rules. This is how it all breaks down.

Every time I don’t do some thing I’m not supposed to or I have an infraction. Then it counts as a number. He will tell me what I did wrong, how to do it right next time. 1st – 4th time. That happens. On the 5th time I will have an hour in the closet. Every time after that then its another hour added. So 6th time would be 2 hrs, 7th time 3 hours, 8th time 4 hours.9th time 5 hours. If I get to the 10th time, then my collar will be cut off.

This is all in one day. When I get up in the morning then it I start at one again.

I think this is very far. If Master has to talk to me 10 times in a day then I yes I believe that I don’t deserve my collar either. I feel good about this. I hope that I never get to 5 times.

Yesterday was a crazy day for me. I went to work, and got a call from Master. He was on the side of the road. Needed me to get some one to work for me and go home to get the car and pick him up. I did that and went home. The damn car wouldn’t start. I ended up borrowing my friends car to go and get him. I know how stressful that can be setting on the side of the road. Have to call into work and let them know that you will be late for work. Then all the stress of trying to get the car fixed. We go the car to the shop and then Master to work, witch is about 1 1/2 hours away from my job. It took awhile to get back to work. Then I find out that the State was up at the property where I work. They were there doing inspections. That is always a crazy time. Kinda glad I missed it. The girl that just started that day as a supervisor, in the other house that I used to work in, I was supposed to go and help and train her a little bit. So that was a little stressful for me. But on the plus side I got to see Master a little bit more that day. I always can go for a little more of Master. It’s all good now. Master told me that he was happy, and I did a good job and I was helpful. That just made my day. I’m glad that for once I could help solve the problem instead of being the problem. So of course later that night, I was all horny and just wanted to fuck his brains out. It didnt’ happen right when I wanted to but I did get some of the best loving. Well.. it’s always the best. I’m so very lucky!

Protocols and Rules

From the book Protocols by Rober J. Rubel, PhD

Protocols represents a set of rules that govern specific actions or behavior in a particular situation. Protocols are an outgrowth of Master’s values. There are levels of protocols.

Social Protocol: The slave refers to Master as “Master” or “Sir” but has not other language restriction. The slave may walk almost next to Master and in all other ways appear to be part of a “vanilla” couple.

Low Protocol: The slave will not sit until Master has been seated. The slave will ask permission if she needs to go somewhere out of eyesight.

High Protocol: The slave’s sole purpose is to please Master and make Master’s life easier. The slave is to remain on highly alert to any problem that may need to be solved ( such as reminding Mater of someone’s name or taking a business card being offered to Master from another person.

Some of the Protocols that I would like to do is:

Master will seat the slave at the table; under no circumstances will the slave seat herself unless Master has directed this action.

The slave will closely monitor all beverages Master is drinking and ensure that they are kept filled with out prompting.

Walking: The slave normally walks in a position that is to the right and about one step behind Mater. The slave is to assume a position that is natural yet reflects our respective rank. The slave is to be near enough that Master can easily speak with her and give her orders.

Present My self to Master: When the slave needs to ask a question of Master or receive additional instructions to complete an assigned task. I will bring myself to Master within Master’s awareness and wait for acknowledgment with out disturbing whatever Master is doing.

Those are some of them. I would like to have more Protocols but Master is just trying to get me to be able to do the basics right now. Right now I’m working on “To obey instructions”. That is the tough one. You don’t think it would be, but I think once I get past this one, I’ll be good! The next one is to serve with grace and elegance. Then to anticipate and solve Master’s problems.

There are some of the protocols that we already do. I remember when I was being told everyday that I forgot one of the protocols. We have one that when I get into the shower I need to ask Master to take off my collar. You don’t know how many times I got in the shower and had to get out all wet and ask Master to take it off. Then when I get out of the shower, I need to ask Master to put it back on me. I have been punished many times for that one. I would get out and get dressed and forget all about it. For a long time I would say to my self in the shower” don’t forget to ask for you collar back on”. I would say if over and over again. Now I would have to say, I have gotten pretty good at remembering. When we are in public I do walk behind,slightly behind Master. I’m not sure if he even realizes it or not.

I understand why her hasn’t added any more. If I can’t get these right then how can you he give me more to learn. When we first started to get into this life style, I had about 10 basic rules. Now these have grown to about 14. Here are the basic rules that I have:

1. Always do what Master says.

2. Never take off or put on my collar with out permission.

3. Don’t argue with a decision made by Master.

4. Never deviate from instructions.

5. Never pleasure myself with out permission

6. Say “Thank you Master” after receiving punishment.

7. NO lip but on the Dick

8. No panties around Master, unless with permission

9. Always in skirts or dresses around Master, unless with permission

10. Can’t cut my hair with out permission

11. Don’t say “What” when called

12. Can’t order for yourself when out

13. Tell Master rules everyday

14. After a question answer “Sir”, or “Master”

At one point her had me memorize them all and know them by number. So when he said a number I was able to say the rule. I was able to do that for a long time. Now I’m not so sure. I guess I probably should take a look at them more often. Most of the rules are not hard to follow, they come second nature to me. Some of them like rule #3,# 4 I would have to say those are very hard for me to follow. I have gotten better, but not all the way there yet.

I do want to grow as a submissive/slave. I don’t want to be stuck in the training process forever. But is there ever a time where your not being trained? Are you ever done learning? I don’t think so. I just would like to get past the basics. I guess the only one that can make that happen is me. I need to work hard. To me the pay off for that would be that Master is happy. And when Master is happy, I am happy.